Flying Low

I won't lie to you. Today was a hard day. I try not to dwell too much on the negative on my blog. This is my happy place. Where I go to escape, decompress, revive.

But today that just wasn't happening. Without getting into a lot of detail about what has been going on lately, suffice it to say that today was the culmination of many recent disappointments and let downs. I look around me and ask a question that I know you have asked before too. "Where are you, God? Have you forgotten us?"

This is me. Me...of little faith.

I hadn't shared with all of you that Trey and I had planned a lovely vacation, just the two of us...oh, and Evie. We were going to San Francisco, a city we've dreamed of visiting most of our 10 years together.

Saturday, that grand holiday that we Americans simply refer to as the 4th of July, Davis came down with a fever. Sickness has generally been going around the Holloway house. First, Trey had a fever for 3 days. Then Addison got a variation with a cough and painful mouth sores. Then I got a mild version with nasal congestion. Now, it was Davis's turn. When we got home from the parade on Saturday he just didn't seem right, not his usual cheerful, vibrant self. And he felt pretty warm. I took his temperature. 103. Yikes. I had no idea it was that high. And thus began our weekend saga which I like to call the Fever Yoyo. He alternated between high temperatures which we would break with meds that would stay down temporarily only to climb once again.

Last night was the final straw. Davis's fever spiked to 105. And I got really worried. A quick call to the doctor alleviated my fears some. Apparently, wee ones are known to run high temps and they actually tolerate them pretty well. The doctor told me to bring him in the next morning if he still had the fever.

And then Addison started with one. Low grade, but a temp nonetheless.

This morning both boys were still running fevers. Davis's was 105.5. Motrin and Tylenol brought it right down, but still. That is high.

And so we were faced with this awful decision. Do we stay or do we go? And in the end, you already know what our decision was. We just couldn't go and leave them. Even thought the doctor said it would be fine to go and couldn't find anything at all wrong with Davis. No inflammation, infection, rashes, nothing. His body is fighting a virus. In a most aggressive manner, I might add. Addison did end up having an ear infection, the probable cause of his low grade temperature. Antibiotics should take care of it.

It feels like Geneva all over again, and in the midst of it all I just keep wondering why. Why elate only to deflate? And then I think about my own boys who have asked me "why questions" before to which there was no explanation that minds as young as theirs could wrap around.

And that is me right now before my Maker. My puny mind, mired in finitude and burdened with limitations, grappling with things too high for me. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55.9

Right now I rest with certainty on two things I know true. My Father is completely good and He loves me more than I will ever know. That has to be enough right now. I am left to wonder at His mysterious providence, which ironically was the sermon topic yesterday morning, and trust that though I may never have the answers to these questions, He holds me tightly in the palm of His hand and will never let me go. I need to take a cue from my guys and cling to Him with the child-like trust they put in me.