This post comes with a warning. It is very hard for me to write. Given who I know a lot of my readers are, I fear your misunderstanding and judgment. I also fear giving offense and hurting people I care about, but in the wake of my post about registering Addison for Kindergarten, I have been approached by more than one reader asking me why we have chosen not to home school.
It’s a fair question. After all, I was home schooled from 3rd-12th grade. Many of my home schooled friends, who themselves now have children, are choosing to educate their children at home, and in the circles in which I travel, it is definitely normative. This, therefore, is my attempt to explain Trey’s and my decision to send Addison to public school. I believe I offer a unique perspective as someone who experienced home schooling firsthand, was very involved in home schooling activities, and is intimately acquainted with many of the different philosophies and approaches to it. I am fully aware of the benefits and the drawbacks to this educational choice, and in light of my experience, observations, and understanding brought to bear upon our particular life circumstances, I know we are making the right decision.
I know many will disagree, but in the end, every family has to make the choice that is best for them. What is good and will work for one family is not necessarily so for another. My words are not meant to condemn anyone – simply to help you understand what we believe is best for us right now. Let me state again, if you have chosen to educate your children at home, I believe with my whole heart that you are doing what is truly best for your family and I encourage you in your efforts.
With that being said, this is us, here and now:
I want the role of mother, not school teacher
One of the challenges I have observed with many home schooling parents is an obscuring of the line between parent and teacher. Have you ever wondered why when you leave your children with a babysitter, expecting them to put up the usual huge fuss at bedtime, they behave beautifully? Children get into patterns of relating to their parents and this can interfere with the ability to learn academically. The child parent relationship is a very complex one, which includes, but is not limited to, nurturing, discipline, and teaching. I have seen firsthand, many home schooled children struggle academically because their parents were either ill-equipped, lacked objectivity, or had fallen into patterns of relating that hindered academic growth. I want to focus 100% of my time on being a loving and nurturing mother, and I don’t believe it is healthy for my relationships with our children to divide that time into the more structured aspects of academic disciplines. I want to be a mom, not a school teacher.
I want my son to start learning how to respect authority figures other than his parents
Our whole lives are filled with different authority figures that we must obey. It starts with our parents and then progresses on to school teachers, coaches, bosses, church leaders, etc. Getting back to the idea of roles, I want Addison to realize that he must respect and honor others in authority over him besides just Mom and Dad. This can be a life-long struggle for some. I have seen many overly-sheltered home schooled children, blatantly disrespect the authority of other instructors, say in a co-op context, because they were only used to answering to their mother. I can hear your objection: “But this happens in school too. Suzy Q always complains to her mom when she doesn’t like her grade.” True. This happens in the real world too, but my observation is that it is exacerbated by only ever having one main authority figure that you work under.
I want my son to learn to work as a team player
This has been a particular struggle for Addison and does not necessarily apply to every child. Addison tends to hone in on the attention of whichever adult is around and wants lots of one-on-one time. I would expect nothing less. His primary love language is quality time. The downside of this, however, is that when the group is ready to transition to another activity (say in Sunday School), Addison may not want to and will remove himself rather than cooperate. This is unacceptable. He needs to learn to be flexible and work as a team player even when he doesn’t feel like it. I believe this is something that being in school will help him work through.
The real and important need for a break, especially given the ages of our other children.
The reality is that fruitful and effective parenting requires breaks. This is not selfish. Just as business workers need days off and breaks throughout the day in order to stay fresh and productive, so parents do too. I have seen too many burnt out moms with a gaggle of stair-step children who look as though they are at their wits’ end but feel they must do more in order to be a good parent. I often get the impression that they think they are only godly parents when the day is packed with fun activities and projects. They don’t leave their children with babysitters or child minders. They would never dream of putting their children in daycare. And year by year, as they continue to add children to their family, they become more and more burnt out. This has a real and lasting impact on the children, especially the younger children, who tend to get the leftovers. It is critical to have help and breaks. I am keenly aware of the rigors of daily life for Trey right now. It is unrelenting, as many of you who are in similar circumstances can attest. His day is an unending progression of meals, discipline, clean-up, discipline, diaper changes, discipline, laundry, discipline – you get the idea. Of course, the day is also punctuated with many sweet and precious moments, but juggling multiple small children is not a task for the faint of heart. It is the hardest job in the world and adding to the workload at this point seems unwise and unkind.
What does it mean to fulfill your duty to provide a distinctively Christian education?
So this is where things get a little sticky. I fully embrace the philosophy that parents are primarily responsible for ensuring that their children receive a Christian education. I believe the heart of that duty can be found in Deuteronomy 11.18-19, "You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” In other words, every minute you spend with your children involves Christian education. Which means if you send your children to a secular school, part of that education is equipping them to understand, interpret, and interact with what they learn from people who do not follow Christ. The reality is that much of life is spent with unbelievers, and we need to learn from the earliest age how to model Christian living before those who do not hold the same beliefs as we do, how to be lights in this dark world. I believe this training should begin early, not once you graduate high school and head off to university, or in the case of some, after you finish Christian college and head out into the secular workforce. How will you ever learn to be salt and light if you have always lived in a protected, fairly isolated Christian bubble? I was fortunate. This was not a big problem for me. However, I have seen this painful struggle for many of my fellow home schooled friends, many of whom were ill-equipped and unprepared, despite their distinctively Christian upbringing, to face the wiles of the world. In some ways it seems the more sheltered you are, the harder it is, and I have seen many sadly fall away.
I am aware of the objections that many will raise at this point. Children are too young to be “missionaries” in school. They need to be learning their academic subjects from the standpoint of the Bible, not fighting the battles of the world at the same time. The state has no business providing education. Their role is to protect from enemies without and maintain order within. The list goes on. While I appreciate the standpoint that these objections come from and believe I do understand the material content of these arguments, I respectfully disagree. To quickly answer, I believe we are never too young to be witnesses to the grace of God in our lives and that part of Christian living is learning to stand up for what you believe, whatever your age. As far as the state’s role, this gets at one’s political philosophy and would better be discussed in another context. If you have specific questions about my personal feelings on this, feel free to email me and I am glad to share them.
OK, I feel better but nervous about posting this. Please be kind in your comments. As I have sought to be respectful to those with differing opinions, so I would appreciate the same. I do not have all the answers. I am definitely going to make mistakes. And I truly appreciate your love and support along the way.
